In Response to the Hamster Dance

Abercrombie and, what was that other guy’s name?

My sister drug me to an Abercrombie the other day. It was only the second time in my life that I'd set foot inside one. While there I realized a glorious truth. No one shops at A&F anymore. By no one I mean, no one in the mainstream. Sure, you have people like Melissa who are just a wee bit led astray, girls who love spending too much money on beat the crap up clothing, and men of very, very questionable sexual orientation.

For those of you who have, rightfully so, not ventured into an A&F since you were a fledgling tween discovering your modest popularity in middle school, I've prepared a reminder of what the experience is like.

The first thing you'll notice, and sadly you notice this even if you avoid going in, is that somewhere along the line someone lied to the clothing company and told them they were a club. From 40 yards away the techno/electronic beats will reverberate in your skull and somewhere, deep down inside, you'll feel like dancing. Then you realize it's just the retards at Abercrombie. Much to my dismay, upon entering there weren't any of the glow stick toting, ecstasy tripping dance-a-holics that I had dreamed up in my head. Looks like two sorority girls and a giant fake moose head is about all they could get to be excited about the party. By excited I mean, as much as the moose head.

And about that moose head, it's not real (I asked) and it is apparently important to their "image," yet they don't seem to be able to take the time to dust old moosey. I haven't seen that much dust since I was in the arid valleys of San Diego. I'm certainly glad that moose isn't real because if he were, they wouldn't be doing a good job of honoring his memory. Besides that, I have a theory. They know animal rights activists will be after them if they put up a "real" Moose head, so I believe they constructed a "fake" moose head from other parts of the moose. That’s real moose fur...they could grind the bones up and make a paste to keep it all together. I'm telling you, that’s real moose up there, at least some of it.

So once you're over the horrors of the decapitated moose head (man, that makes me want to shop) if you're like me, you want to ignore the clothes and kick it old school over every square inch of open floor. Melissa didn't approve of my dancing, solo or with the displays. Then, just as you're starting to have fun, the slow realization creeps in of how homoerotic the whole situation is. Think about it, you feel like dancing in an empty clothing store surrounded by posters of naked men. If that doesn't mess with your head, I don't know what will.

People of America (especially men), it is time to abandon A&F in favor of other, better shopping atmospheres. If you still need ridiculously overpriced clothing, there are Banana Republics and the like, which will supply that need.

When life throws me lemons I'm like, "Who the crap is life and why does he keep pelting me with fruit?"