I Like Those Little Birds, You Know the Ones I'm Talking About

Andre the Christmas Zombie
Originally uploaded by The Sloan.

Hello there! It's just me again, here for my yearly warning regarding André the Christmas Zombie.

André is a zombie who, unlike his other brethren, rejected Halloween in favor of Christmas. If you're curious as to why, I've included this brief excerpt from his 1966 press statement, which he gave while initial reactions were still heated.

I still respect my colleagues' decisions to stay with our appointed holiday but I feel it is in my personal best interest to dissolve my contract with Halloween and work as an independent agent in Christmas.

Why was it in his best interest, might you be asking? Well, though he's never come out and said it, many speculate that he finds it easier to collect and eat human brains in December when his competition is done for the year. This is certainly plausible considering his current classification as a competitor to Santa Clause in the International Holiday Gift Deliverer Registry (IHGDR). The only other second party registered with them in history was William Howard Taft, who was considering the job briefly before before being nominated for the office of U.S. President in 1908 .

André has managed to get licensed for Christmas deliveries in 3 states and the Dominican Republic. I know what your thinking and yes, one of those states is North Carolina (something to do with a loophole in legislation failing to accurately define what qualifies someone as a "jolly elf"). With NC unable to pass new legislation until 2020, we're going to be stuck with André for a while yet.

The good news is, he's been lazy in recent years. For a while in the mid-80s he went head to head with Santa in his licensed states and territories. Of course the whole "Santa want-to-be" thing is just a gimmick that enables him for him to collect brains more easily. At least 64 separate reports have been filed of brain theft in NC houses and on christmas eve over the past 39 years. Most of the sites had little incriminating evidence that André had been there but witness accounts do seem to agree on a low moaning coming from the chimney moments before the attack took place.

DON'T FAIL TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY! It is widely believed that André hates the smell of Greek food and photos of Rosie O'Donnel. It is well worth the effort to prepare a Greek feast in your home on Christmas eve and display glossy prints of Rosie at every family members' bedside.

Bacon bacon bacon bacon WHERE!?