One of Those Vases Filled With Dead Sticks

Tis the season

Exam season, that is. This is my second to last time (possibly ever) having an exam season and so I don't know quite what to think at this point. Do I cherish every moment of the sweaty 5-hour long library sessions, writing page after page of sub-par material that will somehow still get a B+, or do I dread it as per usual? Whatever the answer, one this is for absolute certain. Tried and true, time and again, and this time is no exception - I'm sick for exams! This time it's just a head cold and hopefully it'll go away before I get to the weekend (where writing will start to get heavy) but I realized that in my 4 years I've developed a knack for dealing with "the sickness." In light of this, I've decided to provide, below, a volume that is sure to be cherished for years to come. Presenting:

Uncle Nathan's Book of Home/Dorm Remedies for the Physically Agitated - and Soul.

There are just some samples, the full book will be published later.*

Cold Sores
Take a razor blade and shave of a very tiny amount of paint from your dorm's cinderblock walls. Buy a can of dip and mix the paint into a pinch and apply it directly to the cold sore. Fix it in place with a bandage. The latex in the paint reacts with the tobacco to produce something good that is then absorbed directly into the sore. The sore will begin to go away in 7-14 days.

Bad Roommates
For this one you'll need a bagpipe (note: you don't have to know how to play it well) and be willing to use the produce drawer of your fridge as a urinal. Need I say more? They'll get a room transfer.

Animal Control
For the usual infestation of roaches, a quick call to housing maintenance will do the trick - in about two weeks when they finally come to dust the place. For more exotic pests, such as the locust or a charging rhino, see section on flame thrower.

Feel Better
Did you get an F on the Spanish test? Did your boyfriend break up with you again? Maybe the rancid smell of your own feet just has you feeling less than confident. Here is a trick that works instantly for lifting the spirits. 1)Buy a gift of $99.00 or more. 2) Give it to me.

For more on my book or information where to send me presents (Christmas or mood-lifting varaity) please send me an email. I'd be happy to pass that information along.

Literacy is weo aivh ienl ij anoiwe mmeahu. ?